this was written right after the donald was sworn in for his reigning over great, white America. some days are easier than others. this was a difficult one to say the least. the title of this post is from a conversation i had recently with a friend about great, white, rich, racist America. its my thank you. without Ian i wouldnt currently be attempting to write again. thank you ian.
I haven’t written anything in a while. most days it doesn’t feel worth it. I know just what the incessant complaining and never ending rambles sound like, I know what they read like. no one should be put through that.
it’s a fit. that’s the best way to describe my writing. just a fit being taken on paper. not much different than every other aspect of my life. most days just feel like giant fits. I wish I got any sort of cash for every time I ask myself how old I am. I would take pennies if someone would offer, that’s at least a couple free coffees a week. I mean it. it’s not an exaggeration… though I’m sure it’s hard to believe given what I just shared. I wish I could confidentially assure you that this isn’t part of one of those moments where I act out. I promise this isn’t my ego talking. I swear I know it’s not a competition. seriously, truly, honestly- I mean it.
what were we talking about? my head is so cluttered lately that I don’t know what I care about. “it’s just that everyone’s interest is stronger than mine.” this line has been playing endlessly in my head these last couple of weeks. every time others laugh and my lips stay pressed, shut, sealed. is that funny? is anything funny? I want to remove my head.
instead I numb myself. with alcohol. with pot. with reruns of Animaniacs. with Obama and Biden memes. with extremely loud music to block out the rest of everyone and everything. with cigarettes. by doing my makeup even though I don’t care. with straightening my hair even though I’d rather shave it all off.
I can make myself feel tremendous amounts of guilt for things that other people will tell you, “only make you human”. what if that’s the problem? what if I want to be more… what if I want to be better than human? something similar that always knows what it wants and how to confidently and gently deal with any obstacle its faced with. what if I just want to be satisfied? like, I’m half convinced but how do I fully commit to satisfaction? I’ll never know. just running in mental circles over here, don’t mind me.
in kindergarten I was excellent at patterns. some things never change. the teacher made it a point to show my parents at an open house. my blocks all connected in a colorful overabundance of reiterating. over and over. colors.
man, life is kind of fucked. guilt, guilt, guilt. whine, whine, whine. please forgive me. im sorry i wasted your time.