I’ve been gradually moving through a slump that feels much like sewage and muck. I spend time every night before bed trying to untie the knots that I’ve thought into existence through out the day. There’s never any relief, there’s never any sort of break through on one of these thought knots. They just stay. I try daily with my precise mind claws to pick and tug at the tightly tangled bullshit but never is there any give. There are no answers to these questions, this is not a brain teaser, and those are not actual knots.

They’re one big, heavy boulder called life and there’s no getting around it. There’s just rolling it along and hopefully, eventually you hit a downward slope instead of some steep, bullshit incline that leaves you exhausted. Below is a bunch of mind garble that seems to bobble around endlessly without any solution or comfort at the end of the day.

I’ll preface this next bit- if you like me right now, there’s a solid chance by the end of this you’ll find a reason to not like me as much. The only reason I’m even sharing this is because I don’t really care anymore. I don’t know why I ever cared what anyone else thought of me. I don’t know why I allowed others disappointment or approval sway my words or choices. I don’t know. But I’m done now. Here’s the end result of twenty five years of biting my lip and feeling lied to. There will be more of these babbling complaints, I’m sure. Cheers friends.

In 2009 roughly 2.5 million alcohol related deaths were reported worldwide. Millions more than that became ill or received some injuries due to alcohol consumption. Would you like to know where that ranked alcohol on a list of inanimate killers? Number three, sandwiched sickly between unsafe sex (#2) and unsafe water, sanitation, and hygiene (#3). I don’t know if this is too much to read, if its a bunch of numbers and words not registering, so I’ll say it more simply. Alcohol is more dangerous than horrible living situations. The difference between those two? Most people don’t normally have a choice if they’re living in a fucking dumpster of a room where the water is running but it’s brown. And they never feel clean. They don’t have the money for one reason or another to get their family in a good place with enough room, if they’re lucky with hot water or heat.

Meanwhile here you are, sitting in line at the grocery store with your super cool friends talking about how awful the bitch in front of you smells and how totally fucking TAAAAANKED you’re gonna get when you get home. Give me a break. You are choosing to kill yourself faster. At least this poor woman doesn’t have the choice. She has an excuse. Yours?


okay. I’m a fan of fun. If someone wants to kill themselves in the name of fun then that is all well, fine, and good. I am so on board with that friends. They call that shit free fucking will and it is a damn beautiful thing. I like to smoke marijuana. I like to smoke cigarettes. I enjoy running until it not only hurts but it is past… so past hurting that I know that tomorrow. Tomorrow it will hurt oh so, so bad. I like to do things that are bad for me. I have my vices most definitely. Do you know what’s great about all of those things? If we head back to that study that I was babbling about earlier (by the way if you want links to any of the places that I got my information from, I’ll gladly give them to you, you goddamn sour human being. Yeah, I saved them just for someone like you. You aren’t about to surprise me with some silly request), it says that illicit drugs come in at number eighteen and cigarettes take up the number six spot. How cute is that?

That isn’t a silly, “look at me, I’m better than you up here on my high horse” kind of bullshit. That is me telling you that you don’t get to judge me anymore. Well, you do. I suppose. You have that choice. But it’s just a joke to me. Do you know why? Because when you judge people for talking about marijuana, smoking marijuana, medicating themselves with MEDICAL marijuana, or shit- I guess if we are looking at the 2009 statistics, any fucking drug- you are a goddamn hypocrite and you should know that. “But Jean, you just talked shit about us. Are you a hypocrite? Doesn’t that make YOU a hypocrite?” No. You goddamn dimwit. I am not bitching about alcoholics, they can do whatever the fuck they would like. I’m bitching about people that get shitfaced and think that it’s okay to make others feel bad about themselves.

It makes no sense to me that troves of human beings are drinking their way slowly to the grave but want to judge anyone doing it a bit… Quicker, yanno?

I know those are some old statistics and I admit, I was excited to ram that down your poor earholes because it was the first website I came across. But, hey! Fear not dear reader, if you’ve made it this far I made sure to get you the most recent results I could find on some inanimate killers that we all love to dabble in and judge others for dabbling with. Here you go.

I scrounged up the 2014 stats from the same organization’s results of 2013. That organization is the World Health Organization, for the record. It isn’t some ridiculous survey given out to TIME magazine subscribers. I just wanted to make that known. I feel like I’m treading somewhere weird, its strange. Anyway, in 2014 WHO gave us all the beautiful, righteous truth. Alcohol was responsible for 3.3 million deaths the previous year around the world. On our list of what kills us most, it ranked in at number three again. Illicit drugs killed an estimated 187,100 people. Are we catching on to what I’m trying to say here?

Why in the world are you condemning others for something you do also in a different way? I can answer that for you if you’d like. It’s because alcohol is legal and what so and so is doing, isn’t. Your higher ups, your police officers, your media, your businesses, maybe even your parents or someone else has told you that drugs are bad from a young age. Drugs are horrible! Drugs are the worst! The only drugs you can ever have are the ones that WE say are allowed. The ones WE want to sell you. Pharmaceuticals and alcohol, those are good drugs. Those are okay by us! Yeeeeeehaaaaw.

Fuck man. To quote every girl you know, I can’t fucking even. I can’t.

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