You can always tell when your girlfriend is happy or upset with you through texts, guys. Oh yeah. It’s really simple and I. Am going to share that with you.

It’s one in the afternoon, you’re about to take her out to fucking, feed ducks or some stupid shit. You don’t know what she likes. You don’t care. And shes getting ready at home fucking, primping or whatever real ladies do. Finding the perfect dress to match the green in the head of a male mallard. Like it matters. Like you even fucking notice these things.

So shes at home, and then oh! You text her. And she is just beside herself. Like you weren’t going to text at some point to say “hurry the fuck up, I’m not even going to notice these minor details. I don’t care what color your fucking eyeshadow is. I’m still gong to have sex with you tonight when I’m drunk.”

So she texts you back the longest, most unnecessary message in the world. If you were paying for texts by the character, you would feed her, her phone. Violently. With love.

She texts you back and it says, “lol can’t wait to see you, almost ready”. Except, it’s typed, “lol space c-a-a-a-a-big A-big A-big A-a-a-n-t space w-a-a-a-big A-big A-big A-a-a-i-i-i-i-t space t-o-o-o-o-o space s-e-e space y-o-o-big o-o-u-u.” you get it.

it’s like she’s trying to sing to you through technology. Like some sort of robotic song bird. Just. Just imagine johnny 5 singing her text messages from now on, please. For me? Can we make that happen? Ok.

So johnny 5 is singing to you and this, this is when she is happy men. Your girlfriend turns into a robot from the eighties when she’s satisfied with you. 

Which makes sense because sometimes she gets stuck, like johnny. You know, get the soldering iron…iron…iron. And Fred nudges him. Except she’s like, “buy me this…, buy me this… Buy me this.” And instead of nudging her, you really just want to pick her up by her stupid green dress that matches the mallard and throw her.


Anyway, johnny 5 is singing to you and you’re kind of annoyed right because jesus christ, is that necessary? It forces you to THINK of her SINGING and you’ve heard that in the shower. There’s a reason she works at Starbucks and isn’t the next big star. Lets be honest here.

But guys! There’s something worse than that! There’s something greater to fear here-

The single word texts.

Here is how our heads work. Yes, I know it’s scary. Johnny 5’s have room for 500 megabytes of memory, I am well aware, but lets take this scary adventure together.

We want you to know we’re mad. Oooh yeah, we do not care. Oh. Oh you think we should keep our emotions to ourselves? We think we need to keep our legs closed tonight and we’re breaking out the sweats. We. Do not. Care.

We turn into this possessed johnny 5 demon that gives you the shortest answers. Now I don’t know why. I don’t know why we do this. As ladies we know what we dislike and that is not getting every single detail. We never remember that you. Are the complete opposite. 

You’re sitting on the other end of that conversation like, “oh I asked her if it was cool if my bro came on our anniversary date and she said sure. right on.”


Men I want you to know something. The moment she finished reading that text, the one where you asked if your bro could come along on this date she had been thinking about since last years flop… Her clothes came right off and not in the way you would hope.

Your girlfriend is no longer wearing the green dress that matches the mallard. Oh no. your girlfriend IS that green color and she is hulking the fuck out. She is going to beat your secretly tender psyche into ground fucking hamburg.

and that’s something I have zero advice on because I don’t even understand. Just try to get her back to being Number 5 because an annoying robot is much easier to deal with than a discolored girlfriend.

You don’t want to add her complexion to the list of things to bitch about. “Does this anger make my skin look green?” You know what you say? Nothing. Just shake your head and smile. You will never have the correct answer.


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