I don’t think I’m normal. that’s not true, some days I think I’m one of those people that think they aren’t normal but in all actuality are fairly plane Jane, normal boring. But- I guess today isn’t one of those days. Today is very much the opposite. Today I feel abnormal and unlike anyone I run into. Today I feel like I’m strange and uncomfortably disconnected. I want to go back to sleep.
Here is what has made me feel that way- babies, diamond rings, hot springs, stereotypical beautiful resorts and hotels, women, my social media friends list that is similar on any and all social media websites I may be a part of, television shows, my bedroom, next to everything. I can’t LOOK at ANYTHING without feeling weird. I’m sure its just some odd combination of everything going on, being sick, being extra emotional, and not sleeping well. But I’m not okay with it and I would go as far as to say that I hate it more than anything. Ever.
I guess I don’t feel normal because I not only don’t want these things that other people want but I also don’t understand the desire to have them. Thus I get confused and uncomfortable. I don’t want to drink poolside in the sun, I don’t want to have a baby and devote the next eighteen years of my life to the person, I don’t want to stay fancy places, I don’t want expensive drinks, or diamonds, or rings, or a four bedroom home. I dont want a large family, I don’t want new clothes every week, I don’t want a sports car, or a motorcycle, or better furniture, or fancy shoes. I just want to live comfortably in a space that is my own where I can write and exist and I always have to wonder why that’s not enough for others. Why is a modest lifestyle so strange? Why am I odd for wanting less?
Its this weird uncomfortable circle of thoughts that goes through my head often. Here I made you a diagram.
Over and out.