Hi, I’m still alive.

First- i updated my creative journal. I’d link you, but I’m lazy and using a cracked iPhone to make this update.

I share my secrets with musicians. I dont need to say them aloud. They already know the story and have felt this as well. They’ve dug their nails into their own skin to distract their heads. They’ve lodged their teeth into their flesh just to taste life. Their life. It’s pure cheese, sure, but we’re all unintentionally seeking reminders that we’re alive. Through the paranoia, through the darkest moments, through depressing alcohol haze, through cigarette after cigarette, through exhausted nights spent staring at off white ceilings. You go on because you’re programmed that way. I go on because i’m programmed that way. But i’m taking the chance to say, I know we have more in common than that.

Music has shown me that. Musicians have presented me with evidence. Every man with a guitar, a heart broken by society, yet somehow bigger, fuller than the shitty cities they live in; every woman behind a piano, all arthritic fingers and demented childhood. Every boy who doesn’t understand his own heart and every girl who cant understand her own mind. No one understands anything and I’ve learned this from them.

I just got back from California. I spent a week there visiting Aj’s brother and the only lady for me, my Gina. The two of them were kind enough to bring all of us here there and everywhere, including the wall that appears on the cover of Elliott Smith’s album Figure 8. There were many amazing moments on my adventure, but it was something else seeing that wall tucked next to a taco place on West Sunset boulevard.

On our ride to, Joey put Elliott Smith on through spotify. We were moving through the multiple lanes of traffic and all I could think about is how much alike everyone in the car was. Six different people in the vehicle (including Elliott) and I was at home. In a state on the other side of the country, I felt comfortable in my own skin. Crammed in the backseat of the jeep, all jutting elbows and jabbing seat belt buckles- I was at ease with everything.

I wish I could express the feeling I experienced in my body that day perfectly. The expanding and stretching, the near bursting in my chest. With such an overwhelming feeling going on that I couldn’t quite put my finger on- I didn’t mean to, but I teared up. My emotions were wild this past week, but this day just blew my mind.

When a persons story, their art, and way of expressing themselves has such an impact on my feelers and noggin- I can’t help it, I feel closer to that musician. And it was nice knowing that it meant just as much to my friends to see that wall as it meant to me. I have beautiful people in my life. I’m so thankful there’s beautiful music for us to share.

I’ll be back with more stories of my adventure, but for now-
Over and out.

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